“You want me to take my clothes off now?”

Tales from 10 years of global gynecology visits

This newsletter/podcast will remain completely free, but if you find value in our work, please consider a paid newsletter and/or podcast subscription. For just $5/month or $50/annually. I know some of you are not interested in subscriptions and prefer to send your contribution directly to us on Venmo (@Jessica-Sueiro). I am so happy to have you here and thank you for your continued support of my writing and our future podcast.

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Time for a different type of newsletter this week. Let’s laugh at Jessica and Will.

It is 2:22 am in Dehli, India. I have finally succumbed to defeat and removed myself from my bed in a haze of jetlag and emerging Delhi belly to share with you my most profound visits to the lady doctor. I have spent over an hour gazing at the blinking light of the digital clock recounting my most profound, disgusting, and downright weird experiences. I have decided it is time to shine from the dark and write these moments down in the event they can offer some education or possibly humor for those wishing to travel full-time as WorldTowners to far off lands or those who need convincing why this might not be the best choice for them. Vagina first!

If there is one thing I am certain of it is that women are women across the globe. Another thing I am certain of is that putting your legs up in the stir-ups in Paris is NOT any more glamorous than doing it in Boston, Massachusetts. The stirrups and the commentary that accompany them whether with a fabulous Parisian accent or a “wicked good” comment from a Bostonian are still never fun or glamorous or comfortable. However, a cheese plate and a glass of Rośe do wonders after you break free. I vote for the Parisian gyno visit, it sure beats a hot dog at Fenway.

It was 2014. I was freshly minted into the world of WorldTowning global travel and dipping my toes into foreign doctors’ visits. I had birthed two kids and at this point had very little discomfort in baring it all for someone I hardly knew. Minds out of the gutters, I am of course referring to the doctors, not the general public, but after several years on a boat I am now baring it all for a cool shower off the sugar scoop. I was aware that life outside the US would vary a bit when it came to medicine, but boy did I rip that bandaid off immediately. To this day my visit with doctor “I am going to kiss you after I look at your vagina,” is still my favorite gynecology visit to share. I am a real show stopper at dinner parties because I am sure you can all imagine the most asked question by ladies, right? “So do you go home to um get the lady parts checked?” My response is always the same, “why yes, I fly all the way back to the USA to pay a $50 co-pay for someone to look inside my vagina, swab me and then ask me when I had my last period, am I using protection and could I possibly be pregnant.” Ok, I only think this, my response is typically more like, “there are fabulous doctors around the world, I go local wherever I am in the world.” And inevitably a voice from the far corner will say, “but isn’t that scary?” And I respond with a very jovial laugh, “ha, no, scary it is not, weird, yep, it’s weird.” The circle inevitably gets tight and the women, almost in unisom and a bit sing songy say, “how, tell us more.” Because as much as we ladies hate the gyno and our periods and the stir ups, we are always game for a good gyno story as long it involves “a friend” and not us. I of course am that friend who delivers.

So, in no particular order and back to my 2014 story I introduce you again to Mr. Kissy pants. I don’t remember the month or the weather or what I was wearing, but I clearly remember two things that have never happened since and which I hope to never happen again. We were brand new in Costa Rica, my Spanish was crap and even if it was any good it was not medical Spanish and fluid in the female parts. I enlisted Will to join me (yes, I feel you all cringing) and although he had been to numerous appointments to look at pictures of our cute babies in my belly, this was not quite the same. Looking at cute little babies on a monitor while the bottom half of the baby mama is covered is Disneyland compared to what Will was going to experience. I guess most men make it to 47 and never encounter this. Why would we take them to an annual visit? It is not fun for us and I am pretty certain it would not be fun for them, well, now I am more than pretty certain. This visit was his first and last to the gynecologist. Very quickly his girl parts Spanish got rusty and according to him, mine were stellar. I had to be a quick learner.

We were in this office to have some pre-cancer cells removed. A pretty routine situation for a gynecologist. I went to the special room to remove my clothing, remember this special room as it will NOT resurface in this story. I put on the sheet dress thing with the weird ties. Do they go on in the front or the back, I never know. I exit the special room and hoist myself up on the table, the stirrups come out of the hidden drawer and my warm feet touch that metal like an arctic plunge. Here we go again, but this time I have Will and it will be easier. Dr. Kissy pants grabs his light and magnify machine, I take a deep breath. I start the countdown, 60, 59, 58… we all know this takes about 1 minute, but in my situation, it was likely it would take a little longer because of the cell removal, but he assured me not too long. And then we come to a pause, a rather long pause. At this point, I have mentally gone to the beach in Mexico, margarita in hand and a good book. When I come back to reality the metal is still in me AND the boys have turned to discussing soccer, yes soccer. How long has this been going on? “Hello?” No answer. “Hola?: Still no answer. “HELLO, HOLA, HEY, what the fuck (ok, I thought the fuck and did not say it)!” They pause, “Oh yes, sorry.” There will be no “no problema” response coming from me after that comment. “Back to my vagina please, this is not exactly my idea of fun.” But what comes next, well, if I had a picture of Will’s face I can guarantee it would have been our Christmas card with a caption that read “I was asked to look at the inside of my wife’s vagina, this is the face I made when Mr. Kissy pants asked me if I would like to look inside.” I swear I laughed so hard I think I almost shot the metal out of my vagina and into the glass wall across the room. To this day when I want to get a rise out of Will I ask him if he wants to “look inside my vagina.”

If this opportunity of him being able to view inside my vagina was not enough stress on him then the knife in the coffin surely did him in. We finished up business, paid the bill and as I said goodbye to Mr. Kissy pants he leans in and gave me (I think we all know where this is going)… a KISS. Yep, he just looked in my vagina and now he is kissing me. Full stop! I do want to remind everyone that we were brand new travelers and although I was married to a Latino and used to the kiss for a greeting and goodbye I could have never imagined that this cultural nuance extended to doctor visits. Fast forward to the present day, I have since visited numerous gynecologists in Latin countries, and not once have I been kissed again. Thankfully that was a one-and-done incident.

I still laugh and laugh and laugh when we recount this day in time. I assure you I was not laughing at the time.

Where shall we travel now, hmmm, how about France? We were three years into our WorldTowning lifestyle when we nested in the south of France for a glorious 9 months. The land of baguettes, Rośe wine, and cheese, yes, so much cheese. I was optimistic that even though the French do kiss to greet that it did not extend to the doctor. I was right! Score. It was a one-and-done.

Will’s French is just as bad as mine so I was flying solo for this visit, well, Google Translate and I. The doctor and I did a brief overview of my history and then he gestured towards the table. In France, (from my experience) the doctor's desk and the table are in the same room. He could tell I had a puzzled look on my face so he then mimed that I should take my clothing off and get on the table. Again, I looked puzzled. No weird gown with the funky ties, no sheet, maybe they were in the bathroom. I walked in and walked out of the bathroom, but nothing. Again he mimed and gestured for me to take off my clothing and put in on the chair, but he was NOT leaving the room while I did this, he was comfortably seated in his chair ready to pull out the stirrups. I got the hint at this point. I was to undress in front of him and then awkwardly hoist myself up on the table while he sat there comfortably waiting as if nothing was out of the ordinary and it probably was not for him. This is VERY different from our gyno visits in the US. The doctor leaves the room while you have ample time to undress, get in the gown, situate yourself on the table, and air out the area a bit…if you know what I mean. Then they knock once or twice to be certain you have assumed the position.

The first time this happened I was caught off guard and it was awkward, of course I got used to it after many visits over the years, but coming from a culture where there is so much privacy surrounding this annual visit it was a bit alarming at first. France has been the only country this has happened in and likely it will never happen again in another country, but if it does I am comfortable with the process now. Of course, when I told my American friends their exact words were, “No way in hell.”

I guess the moral of these stories is that I survived, and you will as well if you need to go to a gynecologist in a foreign country. Unlike me, you might want to read up on what to expect so you are not caught completely off guard.

I could go on and on with my experience getting the goods and the girls checked across the globe, but for now, I want to post this. The return of the vaginal newsletters will be in the near future. Going for our annual visit is never fun for a lady. I hope my sharing makes your visit that much easier this year as you know exactly what you are getting, no surprises and when you are up in those stirrups just picture the doctor asking your partner if he/she “wants a look at your insides,” those 60 seconds will go by so fast, especially if you are laughing. And your doctor will be able to tell his family over dinner conversation, “You know in 30 years of practicing I have never had a woman laugh while in the stirrups.”

Tell me, have you visited the female doctor in a foreign country? How did your experience differ from back home? Have you gotten used to it?

I know it has been awhile since I have sent out a newsletter, sorry. Shortly after I wrote this I got very sick and have been down for a long count. I am now well and ready to share, share and share more. What do you want to know? I promise an update of why we are where we are and what happened to the boat very soon.

Have a great week.

xoxo,
Jessica

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Come to India with us!

Registration is a hard stop on Saturday the 8th. If we don’t meet our minimum we will cancel the trip at that time so if you are on the fence, NOW is the time to register.

We did a LIVE answering all your questions over on Instagram if you want check it out here. The biggest worries people have about traveling to India are getting sick, the noise/crowds/smells/poverty and safety. Unless you have sensory concerns or medical issues I would not let these worries stop you. India is THAT great and you are really missing out if you don’t visit this magical country at least ONCE in your lifetime. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Yes, you can get sick, but you can get sick anywhere. We eat at places we have vetted and we constantly remind you to not drink the water (don’t even brush your teeth with it), don’t eat raw veggies and much more. It is loud, dirty, crowded, etc so if you have any medical concerns then by all means know your body. As for safety, we will be in a group and never once have we felt threatened. Statistically if you do some research you will see that the soil you sleep on each night is likely more dangerous than traveling to India.

For full details, itinerary, pricing, etc you can look here.

Come with us! So far everyone registered on the trip is a REPEAT GUEST. That says a lot about how we operate our group trips. Take a chance on traveling with us and you will not regret it. We can promise that. We are full-time travelers running a small family and we are 100% fully vested in you getting the most out of traveling to India with us. We look forward to welcoming you to the WorldTowning traveling family.

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Where are we now?

Vietnam! After almost 3 weeks in India we arrived in Vietnam a week ago and immediately headed for the hills. We spent 3 days in the Sa Pa mountains in a Red Dao village. It was just what the doctor ordered after being sick. More on this later.

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This newsletter/podcast will remain completely free, but if you find value in our work, please consider a paid newsletter and/or podcast subscription. For just $5/month or $50/annually. I know some of you are not interested in subscriptions and prefer to send your contribution directly to us on Venmo (@Jessica-Sueiro). I am so happy to have you here and thank you for your continued support of my writing and our future podcast.