Hello everyone. Jessica here from WorldTowning. We switched platforms (goodbye MailChimp) because we have a podcast coming soon and we wanted a space to house the newsletter and the podcast (hello Substack). I hope you like it, we love it so far. We also switched because some of you have reached out to us wanting an option to support the efforts spent on the newsletter and future podcast, like we have with Patreon for our YouTube vlogs. Mailchimp does not offer this. The newsletter/podcast will remain completely free, but if you find value in our work, please consider a paid newsletter and/or podcast subscription. For just $5/month or $50/annual sub for a better deal. I know some of you are not interested in subscriptions and prefer to send your contribution directly to us on Venmo (@Jessica-Sueiro) or Paypal. I am so happy to have you here and thank you for your continued support of my writing and our future podcast.
This feels a little scary
Even Will and I, after all these years of travel get a little nervous when we pivot with our business and offer something new. Will it be well received? Will it be valued? Did we do the best we could possibly do to bring it to life? How can we still make it better and bring value to our community?
Even something as small as switching platforms makes us nervous. Will you all be ok with the new look, direction, etc. Do you like Substack? Do you understand why we have chosen to offer a paid subscription option and a free option? And then there is the podcast, coming November 6th. Eeek. I put it in writing! We feel so much responsibility to bring this to life in an interesting, educational, inspiring, truthful manner so that all of you find value in something that is so special to us as travelers…the stories, the experiences and the people who have impacted how we live and how we have changed. So there you have it. We have so much coming down the pipeline to share with all of you. I see this next phase between now and the new year bringing all the new things to the table that we want to share with you. Thank you for being here and joining us on this journey.
Is it more important to make your children proud than your parents proud?
”Love your parents if they are good, wait and keep quiet if they are bad.”
There are a lot of adults from across the globe seeking a lifetime of therapy because of obedience to philosophies like this. How do I know? My generation talks about therapy and why they go.
Last week I posted the following excerpt from Adam Grant, NYT bestselling author of THINK AGAIN:
“Too many people spend their lives being dutiful descendants instead of good ancestors.
The responsibility of each generation is not to please their predecessors. It’s to improve things for their offspring.
It’s more important to make your children proud than your parents proud.”
I received messages on Instagram about this from six continents. Men and women responded, and all of you were from dozens of countries. Some of you clicked the 100% icon or sent me a clap. Others sent me comments,
· “If your parents are miserable, nothing you do will make them happy.”
· “It’s never too late to leave”
· “This resonates with me. As a parent of a trans autistic child and as a daughter/woman.”
· “Just go!”
· “Please share your thoughts on this Jessica.”
And, so, here I go, sharing my thoughts from years of coaching hopeful travelers and listening to the deepest thoughts of those who are already out here living their dream.
The biggest trigger sentence from above for almost everyone was:
It is more important to make your children proud than your parents proud.
Simmer on that. Does it trigger you as well? I bet it does. You are not alone. So seldom do Will and I meet grown adults in this travel life who have the full support of their parents. But, guess what? They went off to travel anyway. They survived. Their parents survived. Their kids thrived and their families created the next generation of change. There can be a happy ending.
The sad reality
But, for every family we meet out here following their dreams, how many are there who never got out of the gate because of the opinions and feelings of their parents, siblings or grandparents? Hundreds and hundreds — probably even thousands. I know this because many of them contact us. They are desperate, guilt-ridden, stuck in the middle, and struggling. The pain in their emails jumps off the page and penetrates my heart like a steel rod. They want to honor their parents, but they also want to make their children proud by realizing a lifelong family dream. And, this does not only go for those who want to travel; it goes for anyone who wants to make a change in their life that does not align with their upbringing or the path their parents think they should be on. Future homesteaders have PM’d me. Potential vegans have commented on our IG. Those considering a same-gender marriage have stopped me on the street. And with education, unschoolers have chatted with us on Zoom. They all have the same question. What do I do?
My answer? Go! Do it! Proceed forward. Honor yourself and your children.”
The responses come in different forms, but the message stays the same: “Ah, if only it were that easy.”
The two roads of conflict: external and internal
External
There is no easy street to a traveling lifestyle — especially when those you love and whose opinions you value most are the naysayers. I call other humans’ opposition to the dream, the external conflict. It is natural for an adult child to want their parent’s approval and even more so when they finally decide to go after something that is defying the norms. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the reaction they had hoped they would get, and uncertainty rises. I have found the best way to handle this is logically and emotion free. I know it is a difficult proposition, but it is not impossible.
The 4 evil traits
Some might say, it’s not my parents’ life, and I am going to do what I want. I applaud those who can do this. I can tell you, though, they are a very small minority. The best option I have found is to break down what is behind the naysaying — the emotions, fears and more. Once you’ve identified that, it will be easier for you to move forward with your dream. This will help you realize more profoundly that their resistance is about them, not you.
There are four characteristics I see in parents of grown children who naysay dreams: ego, control, wisdom and fear.
Ego
Ego — that damn thing ruins all good in life. The ego is the part of our brain that judges and compares. When your parents judge you against their friends’ grown kids or your siblings, this is ego at play. When they have a direction for you — how they think you should fulfill your dreams or even change them — this is ego doing its evil again. One client told us that her mother said the only way to show that she truly loved her was to stay and visit often, so the neighbors could see how much her grown children loved her. It is a sad reality when the ego is the strongest at play. You won’t change your parents or their egos at this point in their lives, but helping to identify the source of their naysaying is useful and helps you to proceed with your dream.
Control
Control — this one gives me goosebumps. Anyone who has ever been bullied, spanked or verbally abused knows the manipulation and harm that comes when someone wants to control you. But, subtle attempts to control another’s life can also be damaging. It adds to the complexity when the person who is exercising that control is a parent. Children, by nature, grow up relying upon their parents for their very survival. Growing past this innate dependence — and growing out of the need for their full approval — is a process. I have heard many ways parents indirectly seek to control their grown children. Some include:
· We are not getting any younger, we could die at any point.
Truth: So could you. You need to follow your true north.· When you are old you will see.
Truth: You might not see because you might not be on the same path.· Your kids are going to miss us
Truth: You are always welcome to visit.· It’s dangerous out there.
Truth: Getting in a car is dangerous· Your kids will miss out on xyz.
Truth: Your kids will gain xyz.
You have one life. You owe it to yourself to live your truth.
Wisdom
Wisdom — I dislike this word with great passion. Perhaps that is because I mostly have seen it used as a weapon.
“I did not get to this age without garnering some wisdom,” many say.
The assumption is that because an individual has age on their side, they know what is best for another human, in particular their grown offspring. I have seen a good glimpse of the world over the last eight years of full-time travel. I am not claiming to have garnered all wisdom, but what I can say is, wisdom is everywhere. It does not reside with any age, group or race. It manifests in many ways and visits in all shapes and forms. And, in my experience, it most often comes with humility — not with those who claim to have it for another person’s experience or who use it as a tool of control. No one has your exact dream, and, while your parents might feel like they know what is best for you because of their years on the planet, it may not be true. Within ourselves — and sometimes deep down — we always know what is best for us.
Fear
Fear is my favorite on the list, because this can be the most heartfelt reason for one’s parents wanting to influence their decisions. Parents can project their personal fears on their children, yet, this often comes from a place of love. When we parent from a place of fear, we parent from our ego for sure. Here’s the good news from my experience: fear is the easiest of the four characteristics to resolve. A bit of therapy, a heartfelt conversation and/or the sharing of a well-laid-out plan can help in almost all cases we’ve seen.
Both sets of our parents were concerned when we started sailing. We had zero experience, and I envisioned that they pictured us just one day buying a boat and immediately taking off to cross the Atlantic. Both parents have since visited our boat. We made sure to show them our safety equipment, our redundant systems and our plans in the event of an emergency. My mom even did a four-hour sail with us and could see our skillset and how we behaved as a team. Is it our job to deal with our parent’s fears? No, but a little bit of explanation can go a long way toward building and growing a loving, trust-filled relationship. The truth is that no one wants their parents sitting at home worrying about them constantly.
Internal
This is the other side of the coin. Grown adults who have their own internal conflicts. They want to go out and live their dreams, but they also want to stay. A common reason is that they have aging parents about whom they care deeply, parents who, have been a great source of support for their big dreams, and parents they don’t want to leave in a time of need. There are many who want both time with their parents and want the dream at the same time.
For those with aging parents, we have found there are several options. Of course, none are ideal, but these are alternatives many ponder. Some people we have met on the road with aging parents, or those with parents who have a form of dementia, have said their parents have wanted them to go. Period. So, they went. These are the luckiest people of this travel-sphere, in my opinion. They have the freedom to go after their dreams unencumbered and know they have love and support — something that is important when living an incredibly hard lifestyle.
There are also those who decide to travel part time as a compromise: summers only, 6 on/6 off, every other month, etc. The options are many. While they are traveling they arrange for a sibling or caretaker to attend to the needs of their parents. Again, these people usually have the full support of their parents to travel.
Another option — one that I believe is pure magic but not always possible — is that they take their parents with them. Some have chosen only to travel their home country to make it easier. Some spend a couple of months traveling with their parents and then fly them home. Some get them a nearby apartment in a far-off land. Clearly, this group is in the minority, but it can work beautifully where there is mutual respect and a sense of adventure.
In all this, I am not saying wave goodbye to your ill and aging parents. As with all big-life decisions, there are many factors to consider. But, one should never forsake their dreams for the demands of another person — no matter the relationship, the person’s age or health status or other factors. This is especially true if staying is at the expense of your well-being or that of your children. And, it goes without saying that if your parents truly need your assistance and support, that should be considered.
Going against cultural norms and family traditions
What happens when the desire to go after your dream is hindered by a cultural difference or family tradition? Many of you shared that you are from a culture where grown children go home to the parents for holidays, family celebrations and more. This is the expectation. The children travel to the parents and not the other way around. In fact, some believe expecting their parents to travel to them or refusing to travel home is a violation of “honor thy parents.” Holidays are such a big deal in certain cultures and leaving to live in another land would mean complete disownment from the family.
I am not going to pretend to know all the cultural nuances that run thick through the blood of those of you here. What I can share is this: what will you regret and what will you remember at age 80? Will you regret another Easter Sunday at Aunt Gloria’s house where the food was sub-par and the conversation superficial? Or will you reminisce about the Easter you celebrated in a Muslim country, learning about a religion different from your own, and riding camels in the desert after sleeping in tents under a full moon? Your family may not understand, but you are on your own path and creating your own memories and traditions. It will not be easy, but few things worth doing are easy, and you may even make your own children proud of you. And, perhaps, that matters more.
When Will and I were first together, we would fly to his parents in Miami and mine in Maine for Christmas from NYC or Los Angeles, every year. Neither one of our families had ever celebrated a Christmas away from their homes, so we went to them. It became tradition. We did not mind, we were young and although the expense was tremendous on our low income, we went happily. As the years rolled on, however, it became taxing to take young kids, pay Christmas airfares, use our vacation time, and give up the opportunities to create our own family traditions. When we left the U.S. for global travel in 2014, we made the decision to stay wherever we were in the world and enjoy Christmas there, experiencing a different culture and creating new family traditions. Did we feel guilty? Absolutely. But, as the years have rolled on, we are so glad we made this choice. We have a story for every Dec 25th: where we were, who we hang out with, what local traditions we engaged in and how we improvised to accommodate our traditions. And, when we have been extra lucky, a family member will join us for a holiday in a far-off land. I do not regret this choice. I was well into my 40s before I ever had a Christmas in my own home, and I do regret that.
For the peacemaker
Where are my peacemakers?
The generation that makes the choice to break the cycles of status quo will suffer greatly. If you are naturally a peacemaker, it will be even harder. The inner conflict and turmoil will often be immensely overwhelming. Look at your kids. Hug them. Remember your “why” for making them proud. Don’t look for thanks one day when you are old and gray, just know that you chose your children. Breaking cycles is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. When you go against cultural and family norms, you can be seen as the difficult one, the one with all the rules, the problem in the family. It won’t be an easy path, The constant lack of support and tension in family situations will eat at you, but trust that you have chosen your life and the lives of your children over expectations, and allow that to give you peace. I know this from almost a decade of full-time travel and speaking to hundreds of travelers. The peacemakers suffer the most, but they also have the opportunity for enormous growth.
To those who DO NOT offer support
If you are reading this and you find yourself recognizing your own hesitancy to support your grown children, if you are staying silent (with a nod here and there), withholding your acceptance, and are not joining them in their process or experiences, I can tell you that, without a doubt, you are only hurting yourself. You may be truly missing out on experiencing them as the magical humans they are becoming. To you I would say: call them now. Go visit. Show them your support before it is too late.
There is no winning in this ego dance. Either your children will go (or do the “thing”), and you won’t get your way. Or, they will stay and may end up resenting you (or worse off…themselves) for it. There is no agreeing to disagree in this situation. While few parents want to see their grown adult children unhappy and unfulfilled, that’s what may happen. There is not a grown child on the planet who does not want their parents’ support. It takes a very long time for them to give up (if ever) on winning a parent’s approval and going after their dreams. Granting that support sometimes means elevating their wants over yours. So, why not make it easier. Offer them your love and support.
To those who DO offer support
I speak so seldom with full-time travelers out in the field who have support from their parents (and other family members) — so seldom, in fact, I can name them for you and count them on one hand. If you are one who is supporting your grown children’s life choices, on behalf of the dream-chasers, I thank you. You give me hope for future generations. You can imagine how surprised I was when 75% of you responded on Instagram that you have family support because my 9 years of full-time travel do not support that percentage, at all. This is amazing. Here’s what you shared about how you know they are behind you.
· They ask questions about what we are doing.
· They tell us they miss us without guilting.
· They tell us we will never regret traveling.
· They say, “if anyone can do it, you can.”
Everyone has a story
In August, I was home in my birth state of Maine to visit my parents for a couple of days after dropping Avalon off at university. I love Maine in August. My dad’s famous garden is in bloom, and there is nothing like eating fresh veggies on the patio on a hot summer night in New England. It was not cold or rainy, — you know how I hate the cold! And, their home is a short walk from the town where I made a lot of teenage memories, where the kids enjoyed summer carnival rides for years until we left for a travel life, and where Will and I got married. I just love it there.
Several years ago, Will and I noticed some extended family members posting racist remarks on social media, supporting policies that harmed immigrants and other marginalized humans. Some we addressed through PMs and others we just unfriended and that was it. We rarely saw these family members since we started traveling, so I was not prepared to try to make them better humans or provide education about the topics they were inaccurately depicting.
One thing you should know about me is that, even though I left the town I grew up in at 17 for university and never returned permanently, I loved to visit. I still do. When I have returned, I have always made a point of visiting as many relatives as I could fit in. Some days, I would see three relatives in one day, driving to one house after another. I liked staying connected to family, even if we didn’t talk all the time. I loved hearing the stories about what is happening in the small town I grew up in, loved seeing the grandbabies, the new gardens, the dogs, all of it. I loved listening to the Maine accent, tasting what people had just baked, taking home a jar of their famous canned pickles. Visiting everyone was always exhausting for me, and Will would say, “Jess just take a day off, skip one relative.” My response was always the same. “We live a travel life. We don’t know when we will get back again and how life will change — and I enjoy it” I am so glad I went all those years because life did change, and I hold onto those memories like gold.
In the late afternoon last August, I sat down with my parents and expressed that I would not be visiting all the relatives on this visit. Behind clenched teeth, a lump in my throat and tears dripping down my face, I had to tell my truth and I knew this was going to be painful for all of us. Incredibly painful. I looked my mom in the eyes, and I said, “Mom, I don’t believe blood is always family anymore, and I won’t be visiting everyone this visit.” I knew this would hurt her, and I really did not want to hurt her. But, I had to choose my kids over my parents’ feelings. There is not a grown parent in the world who wants to hurt their aging parent, but sometimes we are just left with no choice.
Some might ask why I chose to remove the relatives who did not believe in equality from our life. Since I saw them so infrequently, couldn’t I just keep quiet? Well, that is the problem. So many of us have kept quiet when a family member says something inhumane.
When I talked with my parents, I shared the following. One day when Avalon/Largo are sitting at a dinner table with a partner’s parents, and one of the parents says something racist or chauvinistic, I don’t want them to sit by idly and say, “Well, they are family.” The teens needed to see that we drew a line in the sand in the name of equality. Those who do not believe all humans should be treated equally don’t get a space at our table just because they are blood. Avalon and Largo needed to see us not making excuses for blood as so many generations before us had.
I hated this day, but I don’t regret what I said or the action I chose as a result. Was this easy for me? No. This brought me great stress and internal conflict leading up to the conversation.
We chose the pride of Avalon and Largo over the status quo and what others think of us. I only hope one day when Avalon and Largo are looking at whom they should please — Will and I or themselves/their kids — they remember this moment and choose THEM. We did the hard work, and I will live with the consequences, so they can live differently and have the strength to stand up for inappropriate behavior by relatives.
So, mine is not a story of objection to travel within my family, but of making hard choices in order to make my children proud. We all have a story, don’t we? I welcome you to share your story in the comments.
The cost of unquestioned cycles
If we don’t make the choice to question or break cycles, harmful patterns continue and hurt people along the way. My friends grandmother was never a nice woman, but from what I hear neither was her mother. She said awful things to my friends mother — awful, hurtful things. She always had a way of making her feel terrible about herself. Even from a young age, my friend clearly understood this was not the way a parent should treat a child they claimed to love. My friends mom was raised Catholic and takes the commandments serious, even at the expense of her own happiness and well-being. To this day she still visits her mother every week in the nursing home, makes sure she has fresh flowers, brings her sweets she loves, advocates for her care and more. She is a very dutiful ancestor, but at what cost?
My friend asked her mom, “if you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now and all the heartache she has caused you would you have cut her out of your life years ago? Her answer was “yes!”
The pathway forward
How do you move forward when you are stuck between the world of your parents and that of your life and your childrens? I don’t have the magic answer. I think it lies within you and how you respond to your parent’s response. Having healthy, honest discussions are good, but they may not bring resolution. If a parent is unwilling to support you for your choices, to relinquish their desires for yours, there really is nothing you can do to change them. That said, we always believe in trying first. Explain your dreams and desires. Explain how your children will benefit. Share the role they could play in helping you make your children proud. And, if they still don’t get it and support you, then, at the very least, know you have some heavy decisions to make. I’ll be honest, I have been both insulted and have received big hugs after pouring my heart out. We don’t always know the outcomes, and clearly a hug is so much better than an insult; but, in the end, you must decide what is best for your family and who it is you want to make proud. It is a rare situation where you can make both forge a new path, break cycles and make everyone proud.
I leave you with this final question for consideration where there is conflict: When you are 80, who will you have wanted to make proud: your kids or your parents?
In most families, it is unrealistic to make everyone happy. And, even if you are not pursuing a life of travel, there will likely come a day where you will make a decision at the crossroads of the past and the future — the point between being a dutiful descendent or a good ancestor. It will not be an easy choice, but it will be an important one.
The generation that chooses for the future — that questions and breaks cycles — is the one that can change the trajectory of a family, a culture and the world.
Podcast
We will be launching our first episode on November 6th. More information coming as it gets closer to launch date.
Vlog
Each week we will share our most recent vlog and something interesting about the experience that was not shared in the vlog. This week we adventure to the Colombian Rainforest for the weekend.
News
The Annapolis Boat Show
We will be in the YouTube Channels Booth on Sunday, Oct. 16th 1:00-2:00 PM. Sorry only one day, but we can only attend the show for Sunday. The booth is in the Vacation Basin. You can buy your tickets here. If you purchase through the website and use coupon code worldtown22 you will get a bit off and we will get a few bucks as well.
This is our first boat show (wait we did go to one 10 years ago in Boston) and we are so excited to meet and chat with all of you. Will be giving out a free sticker for the first 75 people we chat with.
We are so happy to have you here. Please feel free to comment on anything mentioned or something new. And ask us some questions? We want to get to know you better.
xoxo
Jessica
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To learn more about us, our mission and our business you can visit us at WorldTowning. To view our most recent group trip offerings head on over to WorldTowningvoyages.com. If you are interested in booking a coaching session in an effort to realize your travel dream, schedule it here. If you want to follow the travels of our WorldTowning family, you can find us on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok