Peer group social is not important
Couple spots left on the Camino trip
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Do you ever write something and once you read it back you say “gosh, that just sounds angry and not very constructive.” Well that is what happened with this weeks newsletter about “YouTube Haters,” and as a result I decided to let it simmer and sleep for a bit and then revisit. So, new topic this week.
Family First!
Over our 8+ years of full-time travel and bundles of moves to different communities and states before travel, I can honestly say, “peer group social is not important!” Never? No, not never, but in those early years, definitely not as important as western society has made it out to be. What is important is family culture/bond, sibling relationships, and learning/adventuring together. I am standing at the end of the “under my roof” parenting and I can tell you our lack of focus on peer groups in those early years has reaped benefits I had no idea existed. And frankly, it was not a conscious part of the plan on my end, but evolved when we decided to leave the USA and a peer group-focused society.
Now before we get deeper into this topic I want to clarify that social is important and has been something we have spent a lot of time and energy on in our travel life since 2014. But, different types and seasons of social bring more value than others.
I grew up in a rural town in Maine way before playdates, elementary school sleepovers and outlandish birthday parties existed. Things were simpler in many ways and more complicated in others. I would not have the life I have today back in those days. No wifi-no workie-no travel. I am grateful for technology and my lifestyle, but that is a topic for another day. I am also grateful for all the unique educational opportunities that have arisen out of access to the world and different ways of thinking. Which leads me to being a firm believer that social as full-time travelers can also take a different path than what we are used to in our birth country pre-travel lives. We just have to trust that going away from the group and towards family will yield great rewards.
We lived in Los Angeles when Avalon was born. Will was a corporate CPA. I had my Graphic Design business. Life was great and full. We had a diverse friend circle which brought immense color to our life and hers. Socializing Avalon with other 6 month olds never once crossed our minds. Socializing with only people with kids never crossed our minds. She was happy, we were a family and thriving so we kept doing same-same.
When Avalon was 3 we moved to a suburb of Boston and everything changed. There were now neighborhood parties for holidays, playdates, birthday parties, and much more. It was fun and we quite enjoyed our time living in this suburb. But, suburb life for us was our first glimpse into the breakdown of the family and the introduction to group think. It was a bit jarring. Will had grown up in a group setting with lots of priority on the friends and was not a fan of it for our family culture and it was completely foreign to me growing up in rural Maine. We were not overly concerned of the impact it would have on Avalon and Largo, they were young and our time there was short lived.
We then moved into the city of Cambridge, switched schools, and took on a more urban lifestyle. Again, playdates, sleepovers, and birthday parties became the weekend norm. This is when we felt the impact of working all week and not getting that time with our young kids on the weekends. The battle to say “no, this weekend is family time” was intense. As parents, we assumed that our kids “wanted” to do this and if we said no we were restricting their social growth. We had been conditioned to believe they “needed” this from a very young age so we rolled with it, but it was painful. Given the option to do it again I would definitely do it different.
Guess what? From our experience, they don’t need peer social from a young age. This is just what we “think” they need because the “group” is doing it and the peer pressure is real. How do we know this? We chose a different path and it worked.
In 2014 we took off to travel the world which meant learning about the world in it, deepening our family bonds, and creating memories over buying stuff. We spent less time on the weekends doing peer group meet-ups and more time as a family adventuring. The kids thrived, personally, with each other and our family unit grew. All this peer group social from a young age fell by the wayside and we forged forward with our new family culture…US first. It is 2023 and we are still at it. Avalon is now in college, social looks a little different because we have a teen, but our family culture is strong and first.
The catalyst for me to address the “social” fear within full-time travel is that there have been quite a large influx of new families traveling since Covid and they are worried about the social. A typical concern comes in the way of a parent vocalizing how Susie does not have a group of girls her age to play with who speak her language in xyz foreign country. Susie is 4 and Susie is listening to this conversation. Why is this a problem?
First, this is mom's issue she is projecting onto Susie. Four-year-olds don’t know about this unless someone tells them they should care about it. They are happy to hang with siblings and parents at this age.
After hearing moms fear Susie now thinks that something is wrong with her and that she “should” have a group of girls her age to play with.
Mom is settling the stage for a friend focused family culture down the road.
Taking the social culture of a stationary, western life and bringing it to a travel lifestyle defeats the purpose of meeting new people from different lifestyles and developing those friendships.
This pressure for Susie to find a peer group is not giving her the opportunity to grow up authentically and find herself.
Social happens with travel if we just keep an open mind that it might not happen in the same way it did in a stationary life. Exploring playgrounds, taking classes, joining tours, hanging out with neighbors all aid in the social that a young child can enjoy beyond the family. One of the great things about travel before the internet is that social could just happen authentically with whoever was around in xyz country. Now it takes place online with the massive organization from parents to align kids, playdates, etc. Kind of defeats the purpose of travel and the spontaneity of who you may meet.
When we started WorldTowning we had our “why” for doing this lifestyle. Will and I had slightly different reasons. His “why” stemmed from the exodus from the group think mindset. Avalon was already being exposed to it, friends were bullied, and peer pressure and judgment (aka gossip) about girls who went their path was high. He wanted to allow her to grow up authentically as herself without all the pressure and focus more on us as a family.
My “why” was mentioned above: more family time, learning in the world, and making memories over buying stuff. We married the two why’s and decided that social would exist, but would not be the focus of our family. Over the years I have written a lot about the type of social we wanted and how we got it. I will do a refresher post in one of my future newsletters as a bit had changed now that we have teenagers.
So did this focus on family work? Do we have a tight bond? Do they know how to socialize beyond our family? Did they honor their authentic path? The results are in:
They found their authentic selves without peer pressure.
They can now socialize with people of varying ages, gender, and lifestyles and they find great value in it.
They don’t feel the need to be part of one group, but they still have friends.
It gave them strength and confidence to honor themselves when they are in situations where people naturally want to group off. For example, Avalon’s recent introduction to the US university system.
It gave them the ability to find value in a variety of friends who are not always like-minded, but always like-hearted.
And, the best part of all… our kids are best friends!
What about teens and social? They are a whole different game and one we had to learn to navigate differently than the younger years. As our kids were coming into their early teens they wanted more time with each other and less time with us, not a lot less, but less. They wanted to go out and explore our surroundings in the world with other people, not always teens. We fully embraced this and it has never become overwhelming or all consuming in our life. The families we have met and they have friended are very similar in their family-social balance which makes it much easier.
What about only children? This is a tough one. We don’t have only one so I am not particularly comfortable giving my opinion in this area. However, I know that our children played together from a young age, but really preferred being with us over anyone including their sibling. My guess would be you still have a lot of time in those younger years to focus on family over outside social, but maybe their needs for peers might surface before the teens and more like the tween years. Would love to hear some thoughts from only parents.
Peer group social is not important for young kids. They will learn social and it does not necessarily need to come from peers. The best parts of our kids social exposure came from those whose lives looked very different from theirs, were a different age and often from a different income situation. There is a lot of pressure to conform to what society tells us is the best for our children. We ended up living in a suburb for just this reason until we realized it was not inline with how we wanted to raise our children. My suggestion today would be to give “family first” a try for a month, a year, whatever you think is a good barometer. Did your family grow closer? Are the kids thriving? In a time where teens are over medicated, depressed and suicide rates are increasing did you notice a new found peace in your kid? Were all the pressures removed and they could grow up to be their authentic self? I would love to hear your feedback on this topic wherever you are in the process now, even if you are just thinking of making a change. Or maybe you are fed up and have some questions for me. I am here.
For all of you reading this who are traveling I hope this helps. For those of you who are not traveling I hope you found some value in it. I believe it can apply to all lifestyles. Imagine what the world would be like if we all put more focus on family.
*Every child is different trust in your child and family culture.
Thanks so much for being part of our newsletter community. I am so glad that this has been well received as I look forward to hearing your thoughts each week and sharing in return.
xoxo,
Jessica
Camino Baby!
Wow, we are almost full guys! Your response has been amazing!!! Thank you for joining us for a nice, long walk. I have so enjoyed hearing your stories about wanting to do this forever. Just this week I finalized all the accommodations. They are fabulous!!! I have a highlight reel on Instagram you can go look at to see them. Some modern and some local and more intimate. We have a great mix of men and women, ages, reasons why you want to hike and much more. Most of our guests are solo travelers, but we do have a couple of friend groups. I was even able to arrange a special surprise for us along the way. No, OK will not be joining us, nonetheless it will still be great.
We will hike the last 100km with 14-16 of you from September 25-October 1st. It is five days in a row of walking with an intro and exit day for a total of 7 days together. And to start this trip off right we are beginning on my birthday, this is a dream come true for me/us and why not go full in with the celebration. All the details, accommodations, and prices can be found here. Who wants those last couple of spots.
If you have no idea what the Camino is and why it is so important to us you can check out our daily vlogs from the 44 days we hiked 580 miles with the kids in Spain.
This group trip has been requested for years and it is filling fast so don’t hesitate if you have been dreaming of hiking the Camino Frances.
Where are we now?
Linton Bay in Panama as we had to go apply for visas for a far off-land and needed a marina to store the boat for a couple of days. Bought another mola in Panama City. Yikes. I have a problem.
To learn more about us, our mission, and our business you can visit us at WorldTowning. To view our most recent group trip offerings head on over to WorldTowningvoyages.com. If you are interested in booking a coaching session to realize your travel dream, schedule it here. If you want to follow the travels of our WorldTowning family, you can find us on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
It’s good to know that a ‘family first’ approach works for tweens and for teens. I have a 9 year-old and a 13-year-old daughter who can’t wait to get out of the traditional school system. I think it’s a lot of pressure on them. My eldest actually told me that she can’t wait to start travelling so she can be her real self.