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Working on my Mental Health!
I’m back!!!! Thanks for your patience while I was working on me. I am so happy to be here today and ready to share!
Listen to me read the newsletter here!
Let me just get this off my chest. Everyone should do the Hoffman Process. I will gift The Process to Avalon and Largo as their “Adventure Christmas Gift” when they meet the minimum age and express interest. It’s that good.
I arrived back in Paris to Will and Largo 1 week ago after 7 days in isolation with 23 other amazing humans, 4 fabulous facilitators, and the ever-talented staff at the center who fed us, made sure we had clean towels, and helped me out when I flooded my room.
Even with the cheese and baguettes of Paris (and the guys) I found myself missing my time at Hoffman and wishing it was longer than 7 days. Everything was so fast and loud and weird here in the real world. I felt vulnerable and exposed and my brain was incredibly foggy. See, at Hoffman, you have no connection to the outside world: no talking to family/friends, no phones/computers/work, no newspapers and they recommend you don’t talk about your outside life too much with the others. Never in my life have I gone that long without talking to my family or having a connection to the outside world. It felt scary and foreign initially, but I ended up loving it as it gave me time to focus on myself AND I took to focusing on myself remarkably well. I was quite surprised.
Will had shared with me before I left that coming back to the real world would be hard, but ultimately so worth it with this new lens. Yes, Will did the same program and he shared about it here. Thanks again for all the support you showed him when he released the vlog, it was heartwarming. Not one negative comment towards him. This gives me so much hope in the world as we branch into future generations recognizing and taking care of their mental health.
Reintroduction to my life with motion and patterns and obstacles and emotions was hard, yes, but I was finding my way in those initial days back with the toolbox Hoffman provided for me and making great progress. Then Avalon got sick and I got sick and I received sad news and work got complicated. I laid in bed those first few days with debilitating vertigo wondering if my 7 days removed from society to become a better version of myself with more peace and honoring my inner child was a waste of a lot of money. I felt so beat down. Was I slipping back into old patterns and neglecting my self-love and care? I felt guilty. I felt shame. I felt it all.
Shame derives its power from being unspoken.” Brene Brown.
So, today I speak.
Finally, on day 3 of vertigo, I took a deep breath, put my hands on my heart, and said, “You can do this!” I then refrained from doing my Hoffman homework (and the guilt I felt as a result) and all other responsibilities, I laid still and gave myself a break.
Then I realized The Hoffman Process was working because I quickly nixed that guilt and shame of not doing my homework, my work-work, etc, and gave myself time to heal my body. One pattern of mine is to take care of everyone else and everything else before me. Fuck yeah! This Hoffman shit worked.
What is the Hoffman Process?
It is not a cult.
I was not branded, although I do love tattoos.
I did not have to swear to donate a percent of my future earnings, blood, or a child.
We did not sacrifice an animal.
It does not align with a religion.
And we were not asked to remove our clothing.
You would be surprised what people have asked me about The Process and what freaky-deaky stuff is out there in the world.
The Hoffman Process was, however, the best gift I have ever given myself in my entire life. I have a hard time believing anything will ever compare to this in the name of self-care and mental health. The reigning leader in this role before Hoffman was our 44-day hike on Camino Frances. That hike was life-changing, but now compared to Hoffman I would say the hike was more like Disneyland and I mean that with all due respect. I still believe everyone should take a nice long, a 44-day hike to focus on only them at least once in their life. But, if you want to pull back that curtain and go to some very dark places, return to who you were supposed to be before society and family told you who you should be, and come out with a clear life path and a greater inner peace, then DO HOFFMAN! It’s that easy. Well, it’s not that easy, it was hard, but so worth it.
The theory of Hoffman; childhood as the core
Our early upbringing has a profound effect on our lives. Bob Hoffman recognised that as children we unconsciously adopt the negative behaviours, belief systems, moods, attitudes and insecurities of our caregivers in order to be loved. These patterns of behaviour pass from generation to generation and it is only when we recognise and deal with them that the cycle can be broken.
The Hoffman Process teaches us how to release and resolve persistent negative behavioural patterns of feeling unloved and unlovable. We examine the major influences on our lives, trace the root of the adopted negativity, and release any pain, grief, anger, shame or resentment that has been stored there.
The ultimate aim of the Process is to help everyone reach forgiveness and acceptance for themselves and others. This allows for a more compassionate approach to personal relationships and family life. (source: Hoffman Institute Website)
Bob Hoffman created the Hoffman Process in 1967, drawing on established techniques and adding a few nuggets of his own. More than 50 years later, his work is even more relevant than it ever was, and the Hoffman Institute now operates from 17 centers in 14 countries worldwide and has served over 125,000 people.
I chose to attend Hoffman in the UK since it is close to Paris where we are living for two months. I had considered attending after Will returned in February when I saw great changes and peace within him, but the timing and budget were not right. As I mentioned above, it is not inexpensive, but we have always said that money spent on education and mental health is never a waste. When I began to really look at our calendar I realized that I had to do it now or in 12 months. Will and I chatted, maneuvered our schedules and I signed up 8 days beforehand. There was an extensive questionnaire I had to fill out which took me an entire Sunday and got me thinking even deeper about patterns. The questionnaire alone stirred up some stuff in me which was painful and scary and gave me a glimpse of what was to come. I was lucky to get in on such short notice as I hear the US facilities have huge waiting lists.
One week later to the day, I boarded the Chunnel from Paris to London for the first time. Yeah, new experience. I cried almost the whole train ride to the UK. Will had given me a song to listen to that really touched me. I was tired. Feeling helpless. Depressed. My body hurt. I had been carrying a lot of stuff around mentally for some time and it was weighing on me. I was not the best version of myself. I was the helper and I could not ask for help for myself. Will had been through many years of trauma healing and I just kept comparing that he needed everything more than I did and as a result, I started to take on his pain and neglect myself. Pattern alert! I have a big tendency to take on others' pain and then neglect my own.
Still here? Too hippy-dippy? Do you think I have lost my mind? Yes, I have lost my mind in all the good ways. This will be the only time I write about The Hoffman Process unless there is a huge demand as I believe one really has to want this and my point is not to convince someone to go, but for someone to read this and say “I want in, this is for me!” Or just to understand where I have been and why and that I did not forget about all of you amazing newsletter subscribers.
Was I all in from the beginning?
Yes and No! Our therapist recommended it after Will discussed wanting more intensive therapy for himself. Hoffman worked well for Will so I tucked thoughts of going one day into the back of my head. Upon his return, Will started using the Hoffman language around me and sometimes on me and I was NOT receptive at all. I’m a bit ashamed now, but I will share because this is where we all learn and grow. Shame grows when unspoken as stated above by the ever so fabulous Brene Brown.
In Hoffman, there is a saying “I see you and I love you.” It is something you can say to anyone who you feel needs it or if you need it. It does not have to be a romantic love, but obviously, it could be perceived as such. One day Will and I were having an intense discussion and he stilled his body and mine looked me directly in the eyes and said “I see you and I love you” and he held my glance for what felt like a minute. It was uncomfortable. He was calm and focused and I (well, I had not done Hoffman yet) put up all my guards. “Of course you see me. Don’t be pulling this Hoffman shit on me. I love me. I don’t need you to tell me I am seen so I feel loved. I know you love me……” Sigh “Don’t Hoffman me!” At the time I did not know this, but this was one of my patterns. Actually, the biggest pattern of all for me is a lack of self-love. The one I was unable to identify until 2 days into the Process when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I went to Hoffman recognizing some patterns I had taken on from my parents, or as rebellion or a reaction to their patterns, but I clearly did not know them all. Side note here, we all have patterns that are not serving us even if we think our parents were perfect and get ready for this…we are all passing some harmful patterns on to our children as we are not perfect either. It happens, it is life. And shame, well that starts in infancy so none of us parents are getting out of that one without passing on some shame to our children. The key is recognizing this and getting help for oneself and then minimizing what we pass on to our children. Bam!
Upon arriving in London I made my way to a local train, then a taxi, and several hours later I was checking into a former Quaker estate with only sheep and agricultural fields as my backdrop. It was fairytale magical and I guess a part of me was inadvertently there for some fairytale magic. I came a day early so I had the evening for dinner with other early arrivals. I took a long, hot shower, an evening sunset walk, unpacked, and got my last fixes of tech, work, and well wishes from my family. I slept terribly but woke up the next morning ready to grow.
There is a 30-year code of secrecy that once you do the program you completely understand and you won’t share the details in hopes that everyone you tell will one day go and come back to you and say “holy shit! I loved it.” The Hoffman Process has a very unique approach that I have never heard of being done anywhere else. And believe me, I tried to get so much pre-game information out of Will and he was completely tight-lipped, to the point it annoyed me. I am the person in the movie who is saying “What’s going to happen, who do you think did it, tell me how you think it will end.” So if you are here to get the details of the program, sorry, but I can tell you how it changed me and what I got out of it and that’s about it.
I almost had to drop out because my body was not responding to the intensity of the emotions I was processing after only 24 hours.
I dug deep and it was painful.
I cried for days and days.
I had moments when I did not think it was working.
Just when I had nothing left to give the clouds parted and I turned a corner….
Wednesday came, day 5. The best day ever! And if you do it one day you will know why day 5 is magic.
And then I just knew, I was changed forever.
It was the most painful, dark, scary thing I have ever done. EVER! Even more scary than crossing the Atlantic Ocean in our sailboat.
They only allow you to do The Hoffman Process once in a lifetime, but once is enough if you go all in. And frankly, I don’t think I can go through that again so I need to make this work.
I’m going to overshare now. I might cry, but I assure you it is happy tears. I might swear and I’m going to own that part of me too. Okay, I might have already sworn above.
I never once thought about work or my family and their needs while doing The Process. I thought about them in the sense that I missed them and that I could use a hug, but not in any other capacity. I disconnected from a lot of my patterns and as a result, my brain got foggy in some regards and laser focus with such clarity in others. Imagine going to bed each night with no distractions, just your thoughts. What do you think about it? Well, I thought about The Process, what I had learned, and how I would put it into play in my real life, and as a result I lost a sense of other responsibilities which was okay because I had none, hence flooding my room. I was so immersed in my development and thoughts that I left the sink on while I was soaking some undergarments, got in the shower, and forgot about it. Next thing I knew someone was pounding at my door asking if I was ok. I answered apologetically in a towel and dripping wet body. This was the day I realized I had turned a corner. I understood the value of taking care of me which led me to my grand epiphany pattern.
I have a self-love issue.
I thought I was going there to work on patterns of a workaholic, perfectionist, and taking care of others before I ever consider myself and more, but what I realized on day two was that yes these are patterns, but they fall under a bigger pattern umbrella of self-love. I overwork because I feel unworthy. I am a perfectionist because I need the validation of being perfect. I put others before myself because I don’t feel I am worthy of love and that others deserve it before I do. It was a tough pill to swallow as I never saw it coming, remember above when Will said “I see and I love,” and I was like “What the hell is this BS?” After this discovery, I was free to uncover other patterns that I took on from my parents directly, or those that were a rebellion to their pattern or those that were a reaction to a pattern. Again, I must state that I don’t hate my parents and I don’t think they did a shitty job. They had patterns passed down from their parents and so on and so on and so on. One of my favorite Hoffman quotes is “Our parents are guilty, but not to blame.” Carrying around any hate for them surrounding patterns passed down that they were even unaware of only hurts oneself. And to carry around that anger for a lifetime can change the course of one's inner peace and authentic life. Anger won’t change our parents, but it will harm us.
There was one other obstacle or big bump along the way for me during The Process. All these years I had parented from the standpoint of enjoying life, don’t overwork, you do not need to be perfect. I was adamant. We never required our kids to be perfect, we encouraged risk-taking and mistake-making and full-on life enjoyment. Look at how we live! But guess what…I was modeling the opposite behavior. I had passed the workaholic and perfectionism down to my children and I had no idea I had done this. This was a heartbreaking realization. I needed extra care this day and I cried A LOT. It took me two days to forgive myself. I cannot go back in time, but can only share with them what I learned, model better behavior, and hope this will help them. “Shame derives its power from being unspoken.” Brene Brown. I’m speaking it…so listen up shame, you are powerless.
After 7 days I knew The Process had the potential for change in my life. I knew it would be hard to maintain back in the real world and I would have to make very conscious choices, but I also knew I could do hard things. The recommendation is to spend two days after the initial 7 days in a nearby hotel to close up what you have learned, reflect, and set yourself up for success back in your life post-Hoffman. Will had booked me at a place called the Dog House which intrigued me on one end and scared me a bit on the other, remember I still had not turned on my phone and did not plan to at least for one more day. I arrived at the Dog House to hear they had no hiking trails as advertised, no heat in my room, and no wifi. Now, wifi was not a big deal until I would need it the next night when I would finally get to talk to my family. I was angry and judgmental. Pattern alert. I thought about how I would report back to Hoffman that this was not a good place to recommend after a week of isolation, how there was only a busy street with no sidewalks outside and how would I get out in nature…a very necessary part of my healing. I thought, well, then I thought…PATTERN. I am being judgmental when I should just go to my room, turn on the crappy space heater, crawl into bed, and do my Hoffman homework. And so I did. I crushed that pattern and moved forward.
Over the course of the next 48 hours, six more patterns would emerge that I recognized, and who knows how many slipped by me. It took all my willpower to let them go and move through them as some were very comforting, like a long lost friend gone for a week who I was happy to see. I managed to walk down the busy road by way of people's lawns and cross over into the most gorgeous farming fields where I walked and walked and walked until I could walk no more. And what did I see… a family of deer. And I just stood in the early evening UK mist watching them for almost 30 minutes. The Dog House had provided just what I needed, obstacles to allow me to challenge what I had learned and a reward at the end that reminded me of my childhood in rural Maine.
The wifi was crap on the night I got to talk to my family finally and I might have cried a little, but I knew it just might be a sign I needed more time alone that day. The next day I took the taxi, back to the local train, back to the Chunnel, and arrived in Paris mid-day. Will was waiting for me with his camera of course, a pumpkin spice latte (he knows I love them) and I looked deep and longly into his eyes with tears in mine and we both just knew and then I said, “I see you and I love you.”
There is nothing sexier than a man who works on his mental health.
Let me say that again.
There is nothing sexier than a man who works on his mental health.
And then the amazing woman who does the same. That’s me and I am owning it.
If I had only knew months and years ago that one day our eyes would meet at a busy train station in Paris in late October of 2023 (the world will stop around us) and we would know change was happening for each of us individually and as a couple. But just maybe the surprise of how life turns out is a much better story than knowing the future.
And all was well in the body, mind, and spirit. They lived happily, ever after.
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. ~ Rumi
What did I learn?
To be kind to myself with my inner voice.
To allow my body to rest when it is tired. My body is a gift and I have taken her for granted.
To honestly recognize my patterns and to use the Hoffman tools with them.
To share the podcast even if it is not perfect yet.
To not define myself through my work.
To write the DAMN book(s).
To forgive myself when I slip back into old patterns because it will happen.
To ask for help.
To have open communication with my kids about what I learned about myself. And to apologize for the patterns I have passed on.
To get out in nature every day.
To ask for touch throughout the day.
To date Will.
To not feel a need to respond to every social media comment because I don’t want anyone to feel unloved. I love you all and I hope you know that even if I don’t always respond.
To go roller skating, gosh I love it.
What does this mean for us now? Will we make any changes in our life? Yes and yes. Some really great plans are in the making, so I guess there will be a follow-up to this newsletter in a couple of weeks or months to keep you posted on the progress. And NO, we are not stopping WorldTowning and our full-time travel life. We love it.
My two biggest takeaways.
First, I need to honor my spiritual self and inner child, and let them come out to play more often. We forget that as adults and even though I think our family is pretty good at this we can always do more.
Second, recognizing the patterns that are not serving me and changing them will enhance my life in ways I could have never imagined. And it will set me free.
Thank you for reading this far. You must have questions. Feel free to ask in the comments. I know some of you have done the Hoffman Process and others are curious. I am here for you. This is not the easiest to share as I know there will be judgment passed, some will find value and others won’t. Some might consider it TMI and that is ok, but if one of you goes to Hoffman and it changes your life path then the TMI was so worth it. Love you!
xoxo,
Jess
Where are we now?
Paris! The dream was born back in the summer of 2013. After 8 weeks in Paris, we returned to Boston with the mission to sell all of our stuff and leave for full-time travel 12 months later. We launched 13 months later and our life has forever been changed for the good. Thank you, Paris! You changed us and our path. I love Paris and could totally settle down here if we ever decide to settle. I would definitely need to learn French though. If you could move anywhere in the world where would you go? What city or town or village has your heart and why? This was our second Halloween in Paris and it was equally fun, but we did miss Avalon this time.
To learn more about us, our mission, and our business you can visit us at WorldTowning. To view our most recent group trip offerings head on over to WorldTowningvoyages.com. If you are interested in booking a coaching session to realize your travel dream, schedule it here. If you want to follow the travels of our WorldTowning family, you can find us on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok.
Thank you for sharing this. I always wonder if I am past the age for this. I have no more children to raise. The damage is done.
Thank you, Jess, for being vulnerable and sharing your journey, pain, realizations, truth and optimism. Loved listening to the audio file because it brings you into the moment. And I love that it's raw and unedited because it's authentically you. (Podcast alert! 😎)
Big hugs from abroad to you and Will!