“I never saw you as the mother type.”
Happy Mother’s Day
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Many years ago when I was pregnant with Avalon and living in Los Angeles I was chatting with a friend about becoming a parent and his first response was, ”I never saw you as the mother type.” For a minute I felt a bit of pain deep in my chest as I had never considered if I was NOT mother material and now someone I respected was proclaiming that I may not be up for the job. I questioned a lot after this conversation. Should I be taking a class on this motherhood thing? Maybe I needed to see a therapist to evaluate if I was qualified? Read some books? I was a bit bothered by this comment, but I quickly moved on because I knew I wanted to be a mother more than anything and I would find my way even if I was not the “mother type,” from the viewpoint of someone else’s eyes.
Are any of us really the mother type? Have we been conditioned by society?
What is the mother type anyway and who created the definition? Has the definition of the mother type changed over generations, across cultures and borders and is it defined differently in same-sex marriages? Are we doomed to fail our children if we are not the mother type in the eyes of how others think we should behave?
The definition of a mother can vary, so why wouldn’t a mother type vary?
Happy Mother’s Day to all the definitions of mother:
Every mother,
every grandmother,
every caretaker,
chosen families,
queer mamas,
genderqueer and trans parents,
incarcerated moms,
those who wanted to but were unable to be mothers,
moms who have lost their children,
and children who have lost their mothers.
By Repeal Hyde Art Project
May your day bring you joy and smiles.
A big hug to all of you who this is not a happy day.
To share a complete definition of “the mother type” (so we are all on the same page) I took to Google. This search mostly revealed the different types of mothers: the perfectionist, unpredictable, best friend, me-first and complete. I dug a bit deeper and after scouring multiple articles and posts it appears that the “mother type” can be identified as:
Nurturing, caring, and protective personality type.
They often take care of others before taking care of themselves.
They have a strong sense of compassion and are typically very patient people.
They are usually quite dependable and make great friends and partners.
They are often great at creating a sense of stability in their environment and tend to be the anchor for those around them during difficult times.
They are loving, patient, and forgiving, and they always put their loved ones first.
They are always there for their loved ones during good times and bad, and they will do whatever it takes to make sure their family is happy and safe.
Clearly, this is one individual’s opinion, but I think it is pretty spot on to how society would define the mother type. Someone gets to wear the badge of honor as a mother type if they are willing to sacrifice themselves at all costs for others. This statement alone is so frightening. It took me a very long time to put my foot down and demand me time, it was nothing Will restricted from me but something I denied for myself. I recall that during my darkest and most energy-depleting parenting days I was given the most compliments regarding my stellar mothering skills. I was exhausted and barely surviving, but in many people's eyes, I was a grand success because I was sacrificing myself at all costs. I quickly changed gears and have parented from a very different approach ever since, which has lead to parenting being the great joy of my life. Younger mama’s if you take nothing away from this post except THIS then I will consider it a success… Take time for yourself, it will make you a better parent and happier and if you have people in your life who do not agree with you then remove them, even if they are family, and that goes for baby daddy.
I now see very clearly why my friend thought I was not the mothering type. He knew I derived value from my work and I would continue to work which was clearly going to interrupt my ability to put everyone before myself. In full transparency it did not interrupt my ability, I just sacrificed myself, my sleep and my well-being. I don’t recommend this. He also knew I was not really the protective type. Yes, I can do a great mama bear, but my approach to life was more of a jump-in and try-it, which I planned to bring into my parenting style. Besides this, I came in a very non-traditional package. Up until my pregnancy, I was a smoker (I quit), curser (I still do this), tatted, and a bit wild in my appearance and life philosophies. I don’t think my friend could quite see me at the PTA meetings. I would have to agree. Years later at my first PTA meeting in a suburb of Boston, I got a lot of clarity to his comment. I was not the “mother type” by traditional standards.
Which leads me to…how important is it to be the mother type by traditional standards? Are the children of these moms benefitting, suffering, or the same as a nonmother type? At any given moment you can take to Instagram and find mamas across the USA who are working to solely give to their large families in the farming industry (just one example) and putting themselves last in regards to health, social and professional desires. They are considered great moms by many, but in contrast, if a woman puts some focus on herself she is often considered selfish, a bitch, a bad mother, or not the mothering type. The good news, I do think we are seeing a shift. We seldom see multiple generations living together anymore in the United States where grandma takes care of her middle-aged son's family and the grandchildren and then passes the torch to the son’s wife, rinse and repeat. Most of the time once the off spring has graduated from high school they use their wings and take off on their own forging a new path. The idea of generations of women giving everything, all the time is fading. Of course, beyond the borders of the US and in many developing countries this is still very common practice which is always challenging to hold space with as we can see these women fading and exhausted. I am happy there is a shift and chatter around self-care that was not around 20 years ago in many countries. Everyone wins in this situation, especially the children.
I am 100% in favor of leaving the phrase mother type to generations past for many reasons, the first being that it does not serve all types of families. It is not inclusive to same-gender families, single dads, and several other non-traditional paths. The world is changing, we are honoring our truth in existence and as such so should the terms we use to describe mothers and what they bring to a family. Second, I don’t believe that a nurturing and giving of self 100% is what I would consider the benchmark for good mothering. What about letting our kids do hard things, learning through trying and failing, self-care for themselves as a result of seeing that mom did it, teaching them to dream big by way of leading by example, the list goes on and on, but these are just a few of my favorites. We cannot parent this way if we are giving to everyone. This non-sense is so dated and it is time to move on.
Are we doomed to fail our kids if we are not following the societal definition of the mothering type? I would say a hard stop NO.
In fact, I think we are failing our kids because we are following an outdated paradigm which ultimately does not work. We cannot be the best for our kids, unless we are the best for ourselves. There are so many times where we give to everyone, just to repress feelings of what is really important to the self. We can hide behind “the greater good” for a while, but it’s unsustainable. The cracks in the armor start to materialize as vindictiveness, depression, substance abuse, etc. This is where we become the version of ourself we never wanted to be. To become the best version of ourselves, is to be true to our emotions. Yes, there is compromise needed anytime we bring someone else into the mix, but wholesale martyrdom should not be the ideal. Nobody wins (except maybe the father). The mother becomes someone who she never imagined to be and the kids get a vision of roles which is certain to repeat itself when they have kids.
I love and respect all mothers out there who have done everything in their power to make the world for the kids a better place and Mother’s Day is a great celebration of this. But what we really need is a mother’s movement to better ourselves and change the model for the next generation. I think the world will be a better place for it.
Out with the “mothering type,” in with BAD-ASS-MOTHER!
I welcome you thoughts on this topic. Are women killing themselves for a dated and unsustainable version of mama? Did I describe you? Have you changed? Were you a version of mama you did not like? I know I was, but I quickly made changes and live to tell the tale.
Happy Mother’s Day! To everyone who takes on the role!
xoxo,
Jessica
Come to Barcelona with us
Barcelona! In our opinion, is the wildest city in Spain, it has it all. Don’t let the wild scare you, wild in a good way. Barcelona is a city filled with amazing architecture, delicious food, an active international community, unique art, and more, a lot more. Unlike our other trips where we have lived for a minimum of three months in the location, Barcelona only got us for 1 month, it felt like 3 because we packed so much into our short visit. We did Barcelona by way of an RV (camping car for our Europeans) and Airbnb. We ate all the things, tapas was a regular occurrence, we enjoyed the art in the metro (no stench of urine or rats like our life in NYC) and we devoured Gaudí with a side of Dalí everywhere we turned.
During your time with us in Barcelona we will take to the streets and do all the things! We will eat our weight in tapas, take afternoon breaks over churros and hot chocolate, start our evenings with an aperitif of cava and cupcakes, and even cook with a local grandma. How cool is that? And that is just the food. You will leave us being able to captivate your friends back home with wild stories of the uber-eccentric and wildly famous Gaudí and Dalí. Plus, be able to sprinkle in some tales of your visit to a cava distillery in the countryside of Barcelona. Are you excited? This is only a sampling of all the magic that we will experience in Barcelona. And for those of you who will continue with us after hiking the Camino, we can stop by into see a local tattoo artist if you want to etch your hike into your body somewhere. Optional of course, but even optional is fun to watch others do it if you are not onboard.
For full details, pricing and to register you can click here. We look forward to exploring Barcelona with you.
Where are we now?
We just left our island paradise Isla Isabela for another anchorage off the coast of Mazatlán. The plan as of today (you know how they always change in boat life) is to stay here are couple of days, pop on shore for a taco and toilet paper (we are running low) and recharge before a 2 day sail to La Paz.
To learn more about us, our mission, and our business you can visit us at WorldTowning. To view our most recent group trip offerings head on over to WorldTowningvoyages.com. If you are interested in booking a coaching session to realize your travel dream, schedule it here. If you want to follow the travels of our WorldTowning family, you can find us on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
My mum sacrificed her whole life for us and ended up killing herself!
That’s why I’m off to Panamá today!!!
To make my dreams come true and show my 3 daughters that it’s important to make your dreams come true! Especially when you’re a mum!
It teaches the next generation to do the same!
Great article. So true on so many levels. Funny how there isn’t the same self sacrificing model for men who are dads. They get plenty of me time to this day and just don’t get it Jessica when you ask them to share more parenting and household duties. There still is so much inequity on so many levels in our patriarchal-made concepts of society.