Guilt Sucks

Don't do it, Don't give into it

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“Say No,” to guilt

We have a handful of clients who are heavy in the parent guilt zone right now. I wrote this for you and anyone else who needs this today whether you plan to travel, start a homestead or get a divorce.

Do you want to hear a wild statistic? One of the biggest obstacles many of our clients must overcome is guilt! Not self-inflicted guilt, but family inflicted guilt. It is sad to have a client give up a travel dream because their mom or Uncle Jon or Grandpa George thinks it is reckless, dangerous, selfish, etc, we have heard it all. And really, what good is an opinion from someone who has never lived the lifestyle you are embarking on? Would you go to the gynecologist to get your teeth cleaned? Probably not.

The noun guilt stems from the Old English word gylt, meaning "crime, sin, fault, or fine."

Guilt (noun):
a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.

Guilt (verb):
make (someone) feel guilty, especially to induce them to do something.

We will not be talking about guilt in the noun form today. Instead, we will be focusing on guilt in the verb sense, where someone makes you feel like you are wrong to get you to do something or stop you from doing something they don’t approve of.

In a study published in 2013 by scientists at the University of Jyväskylä, Finland, researchers found that parenting tactics that created feelings of guilt in children caused children to feel an increase in distress and anger for many days afterward. In another study published in 2003, scientists found that children whose parents used guilt-inducing tactics were far more likely to internalize their problems. Depression and anxiety are classic examples of internalizing disorders. ~ The Atlantic

Guilt can lock you in its prison so you feel helpless. It robs you of your energy and steals your joy. People who feel guilty may experience anxiety, stress, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, regret, loneliness, or critical self-talk.

I think we can all deduct that guilt is bad. So why do so many parents and relatives, in general, do it? Fear, ego, that’s how they were raised, control, jealousy, lack of fulfillment in their own lives, insecurities, but never because they love and care about what you want and your dreams. It is about them and their problems, not you. So many of our clients blame themselves and feel that they are a bad son or daughter for wanting to go after dreams. It is truly heartbreaking to hear their stories and to hear what the parents have said to them to control and crush their big travel dream.

I have a relative who wrote the book on guilt. In my childhood I watched it harm the ones around her and ruin relationships. She lost respect and was just known as a miserable bitch. She operated with guilt, passive aggression, control, shame, you name it and she did it. From what I understand her mother operated the same way so she came by it fairly, but we do have a choice to change cycles. It is hard, but it can be done. I knew I never wanted to parent like that, who would ever want to control their kids future and dreams? That is messed up.

I was very fortunate to grow up with a mom who never used guilt as a weapon of control. As a result, I have been able to take a lot of risks in my life and make substantial changes to our path guilt-free. The occasional times in my life when someone has tried to guilt me into something I am honestly immune to it. It does not trigger me, it just makes me sad for them that something is missing in their life that contributes to their need to control. I can easily be immune to it as it was not a part of my childhood and embedded in the way I navigate life. I am very lucky and rare I know. We have subsequently passed on the “no guilt” rule to our children. We are living life the way we want, and they should have that luxury as well. And so should you.

This weekend we were chatting with, yet another client, and the story is always the same. The client is trying to follow their authentic path with a lot of obstacles already in their court and on top of it they must deal with family guilt. I will never be able to adequately communicate how hard it is to decide to choose the road less traveled. Family support is crucial. Deciding to go is just the tip of the iceberg, you still need to exit one life while building for another and much more. It is hard, scary, exhausting, riddled with obstacles, and to be quite honest a good third of the people we coach never make it out the door. The obstacles, particularly family guilt is what stops them in their tracks, not the logistics we coach them on.

And if you do make it out the door those guilters will not just give up and go away quietly, unfortunately. A small handful might have a grand epiphany after they see how well you and the family are doing, but most will not. As you enter a whole new world which is completely foreign your guilt-ridden family may choose to:

• Never come visit.

• Never praise you for what you have accomplished.

• Never be a support system when you have a bad day.

• Speak poorly of you to siblings, other family members, and even to your children.

You must be ok with this if you want to go on to live a happy and fulfilled journey on this new lifestyle choice. Do not think that because you decide to go, all will be good. They may surprise you, but most of the time the resentment and going against their guilt will become even stronger, especially if you have always been controlled by their guilt. It may be lonely, but you will find your tribe and people who understand and support you, but there will also be pain for a while. The hardest part for us when we embarked was learning the reality of which family members (and friends) supported us positively and which did not, it was hurtful and very shocking to see who is on which side of the line you have drawn.

And then, one day you will wake up and look at your partner and/or your children and say to yourself “this was the best decision of our life, sad we had to go it alone and lose some relationships along the way, but luckily we did it.” And those days of guilt will still exist, but they will roll off your shoulders in the form of pity and sadness that the guilters missed out on so much you had to offer as you branched into this new you and lifestyle.

Now on a happy note. We do have another third of our clients who have amazing support from their families. I am sharing some of those positive comments to let you know, they do exist. If you have this support consider yourself lucky, it is rare.

• “I know you can do anything you put your mind to.”

• “Your father and I have lived the life we wanted to live. Now go and live yours. Do not worry about us, we can take care of ourselves.

• “We are so proud of you forging your path. It must be hard. More importantly, you should be proud of yourself.”

• “When you need a pep talk call us.”

• “There are so many ways to live a life. Go after your dreams so you don’t look back with regret.”

• “I love how you are putting your family first. I know it is hard when everyone has an opinion on how you should live.”

And then there is the last third of our clients who have family who say nothing. I put them in the category of the scariest guilters. I find this group to be the most harmful because their guilt power is strong and silent. The looks, the snickers, subtle comparisons to siblings, the trigger comments they know will impact you, all of it. If you come from a family who operates by way of the “say nothing” guilters you know exactly what I am talking about. I feel deep compassion for you. Just know that there is a whole bunch of us out here that can be your support system if you don’t get it from family.

One of my favorite things to say when a client is struggling with guilt from family:

NO ONE GETS A VOTE ON HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Ever!

To those of you suffering from guilt inflicted by family members, I want you to think long and hard about what life you want to look back on at 80. There is no do-over in life and regret is a powerful emotion, even harder to deal with as you age and the window to live your authentic life starts closing. What do you want to see when you look back in time? What do you want your legacy to be? Who do you want to be proud of you? Do you want to create a path forward or backward? If you have a guilter in your life you may need to choose your partner and children over them. You won’t be able to honor both. Remember this…

• You are not a terrible son or daughter because you choose to travel or whatever else is your authentic path.

• You are not responsible for your parents’ happiness.

• You are not a bad person.

• It is ok to choose a path different from the masses and different from how you were raised.

• Other people's opinions of your life are not relevant.

And to those of you inflicting guilt. Stop it. This is not genuinely caring for those who you love, it is control and it is wrong. Maybe take a good look at why you are guilting? It is not too late to beat this ugly demon and go on to live a supportive, control-free life. It will greatly improve your relationships and likely your happiness. Is what you want and the life you think your grown children should live worth losing them over? Believe it or not many say yes. They never believe they are guilting and they always camouflage it as love, but in the end they are the ones who lose out. If you really love someone you would not want to inflict such pain on them.

Are you a guilter? How did the above paragraph make you feel? Guilt ridden? Your offspring feel that way all the time. You only have to feel that way for one paragraph of this newsletter and then you get to walk away, your kids do not have that luxury. Let people you love live their lives. No one wins with guilt.

Thanks for joining me this week. Would love to hear your thoughts on guilt. Maybe you only just realized now you were getting or giving guilt. How do you feel? And yes, that is a pic of Will and I kissing. I don’t do guilt, therefore I don’t have guilt pics. Ha.

xoxo,
Jessica

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Our heart breaks for Turkey

Several years ago we visited Turkey in the RV. Remember Lemonade, those of you who have been with us for awhile? We had many adventures in this magical land, but the best one by far was our time with a local family organized through Servas.

Servas recently reached out to all of its members offering some options for donations, they recommended Turk Kizilay and Ahbap (Dude). I trust that these are both fabulous organizations if you are looking for some way to help.

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WorldSchooling Secrets: Education & Friendship While Traveling the Globe

I was on another podcast, but this one is soooo different than all the others. First, I’m without Will. Second, the focus is Worldschooling. Third, the host, Myka, is a dear friend of mine and one of my first travel buddies from way back when.

We discuss…
-why we both chose this lifestyle.
-what is a third culture kid and the kinship they feel.
-will the kids fall behind in school living like this.
-why I think exposing kids to extreme events in history is valuable.
-how we form community and navigate social.
-why you should have a party with strangers.
-why I don’t like long term (3 month) pop ups.
-how to teach teamwork while traveling.
-what skills are developed from Worldschooling.
-and more

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Where are we now?

We finally left the San Blas and now we are in a marina in Panama to prep for our Panama Canal crossing and get the podcast launched (fingers crossed). For real time updates catch us on IG. And yes, it is laundry day.

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To learn more about us, our mission, and our business you can visit us at WorldTowning. To view our most recent group trip offerings head on over to WorldTowningvoyages.com. If you are interested in booking a coaching session to realize your travel dream, schedule it here. If you want to follow the travels of our WorldTowning family, you can find us on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok