College visit disappointments (and hope)!
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There is always a glimmer of hope
I live my life within the “glimmer of hope,” otherwise I might spontaneously combust and be unfit to live in society. Can anyone relate to this? I am sure I am not alone.
Largo and I recently spent four days touring universities in the Midwest. We had done a little bit of research online and in Aviation Facebook groups (he wants to be a pilot), but not a ton. Outside of identifying if they had the program he wanted to study and the facilities to meet his goals, we were operating a bit blind. I passionately believe a future college student needs to get their feet on the campus and walk, observe, and ask questions. We were only able to take an official tour on two campuses, but we did walk and self-guide on three others, chat with students, and keep our eyes and ears open. You can learn a lot by just looking and listening and never opening your mouth.
We learned a lot.
I have spent very little time in the Midwest, here and there in my early 20s when I had a job that required travel across the USA, but that is pretty much it. I don’t remember a lot about the time as it was fast and I occupied loads of hotels while working, but I did enjoy the kind, Midwestern hospitality. I was looking forward to this trip with Largo to have some time alone to chat, dig deeper into his dreams and hopefully get to vibe the Midwest a bit. I know from my time with Avalon these last couple of years of high school go by in a blink which makes me extra cognizant of the pockets of time we have left to focus just on him.
We started our mornings on most days with a horrible hotel breakfast (aka free) and griped that we had not even had a bagel yet, but being the frugal person I am I was not giving up free breakfast. Then we would check out of our hotel and take off on our next college tour. 5 schools in 4 days. We don’t do anything slowly, hit it hard is our middle name, and that we did. Occasionally we would pop into a college bookstore or grab a bite to eat on campus, but mostly we were taking notes, asking questions, and then driving late at night to the next day's adventures. There might have been one encounter with a police officer somewhere in rural Ohio between two farms and I probably should clarify before Largo gets overzealous with the details. I was not speeding, but apparently, I did not change lanes correctly. I was let off with a warning and a kind police officer informed me I just skated a $600 fine. I mentioned to him that I lived on a boat and did not have lanes, but a whole ocean. He was not amused. Largo was unimpressed as well and kept a keen eye on my lane changing for the remainder of the trip. So as you can see some shenanigans were had.
To be honest, I was not prepared for what I was about to encounter. See, just a handful of years ago I was doing college tours with Avalon. But, contrary to the tours with Largo, I left the tours with Avalon feeling inspired, hopeful, and positive that this next generation was going to change the world for the good. I don’t remember leaving any university disgusted. I don’t know if it is because times have changed, Largo’s academic program of choice, geographic location, or something else, but these tours were incredibly discouraging which made this process of the college hunt even harder for Largo to find that diamond in the rough.
On almost all of the campuses we visited, I saw expensive glossy brochures with fabulous photos, dynamic admissions officers welcoming us to “the best university” and a gift bag with a pen or sticker to get the FOMO going. And if all that was not enough the weather for April was perfect, which means students were out of campus lawns laughing, playing music, having soccer matches, and overall engaging with friends and enjoying life. The energy was vibrant and addictive. It made it easy for most parents and prospective students to overlook the cracks in the system unless they were seeking something deeper.
Once we pulled back the curtain and took a closer look into “things” that matter to our future college student it was a bit alarming. We saw no pride flags, flyers for minority group meet-ups, women’s equality literature, nothing. And when I say nothing I mean it was not even addressed in the charming admissions welcome speeches. The well-poised and every so funny admissions officers were sure to mention the large Division xyz sports teams and free/discounted entrance to events for students, the multitude of dining options, community living with people of similar interests, and the price, of course, the price, but nothing about the programs for those who are marginalized. It was such a letdown for both of us. I always refrain from saying anything about college tours to my kids while we are on them. I let them decide and share their thoughts all the way down to the final choice of university. Even when one NYC school is 10x more in price and sucking the money out of anyone who will give it, while offering little in aid packages. I still say nothing. I let them come to their own conclusions and then we discuss their thoughts. It is not until this time that I share my opinions as well.
As I said before, I live within the “glimmer of hope,” and there was a shining star. There always is if you look in the right places.
“Glimmer of Hope University” (which remains nameless to protect Largo’s privacy if he decides to attend) mentioned equality in their opening address to potential students and parents of students, within the first 10 minutes. I sucked down a big glass of that Kool-Aid, it felt so good for both of us to hear. Largo looked at me with a smile, I looked at him and we smiled together. This university did not say the words equality or inclusion ever, but it illustrated its commitment to inclusion by sharing groups and programs on campus that were clearly in support of those who are marginalized. They stated their position loud and clear and they did it at their first encounter with the parent and student. And if all that was not enough, their shiny brochure and international art on the campus was right there to back up their words. What makes this even more impressive is that this university is 72% white and 75% instate, so it does not have a lot of racial or geographical diversity, but is committed to making it more diverse. All the other universities we visited had similar demographics besides one, but definitely not similar commitment.
Here comes the part about why it is important to talk to the students who are on campus and attending the university. We had an amazing tour guide at “Glimmer of Hope University” who was a female in the flight program. She gave us comprehensive information about the academic portion of the school, but also the community in the town and the culture on campus. I asked her about gender equality and if she felt valued and honored as a female in an aviation program. She said an overwhelmingly yes! I saw a lot of women in the Aviation building at this university, as well as women professors to back up what she had communicated. Again, open the eyes and the ears and you will learn a lot. This was very contrary to what we had seen on several of the other university campuses which were mostly all male and white tour guides and typically one token female as a background helper. It was so few that it was hard not to notice and when I asked about it the response was, “well it is a male-dominated industry.” Not the best answer they could have given without any clarification or statistics. Which led me to look around even more and only see 1-2 female students working in the facilities during our tour(s). Alarming considering some of these schools claim to have 25-30% females in the program.
Our female tour guide at “Glimmer of Hope University” went on to share some of the comments she had heard from dads AND mom (not students) on the tours she hosted. One man commented, “oh I did not realize they had a flight attendant school here,” when she introduced herself as the guide and an aviation student. Another man asked why the women needed a “women in Aviation club” and maybe the men should have a “men in Aviation club.” There were more chauvinistic comments, but I will spare you. What troubles me most is that this young lady had to be subjected to this type of behavior. But for every person like this, there are others who stand up and say “I am here with my four daughters who all want to be pilots, and making comments like that is not ok.” This all got me thinking. Is it the students who don’t want inclusion or the parents? And to be honest, I have never once heard a student say that they don’t want it on a tour, but plenty of parents have while their student looks down in embarrassment in front of the group.
When we started our initial inquiries about flight schools I posted the question below on an Aviation FB group. Not because I wanted to spew my beliefs, although I do believe in equality, but for what Largo was looking for in an institution he would occupy for 4 years of his life. Of course the quality of the program was top priority and all of them that we visited were competitive with one another and would provide a great education if he chose to attend any of them. But he also wanted a place that did not have all the same people, but a variety of beliefs, as well as inclusion.
The post was removed by an admin because “although your post was written with consideration, it has already caused controversy.” My response was for her to delete or block those people who commented as such and not remove my post. I really needed the help. I never heard back and my post was not reinstated. I do want to mention there were numerous requests for non-vax universities, religious institutions, fewer minority schools, etc, all of which are controversial topics and were left up for people to comment on (good and bad) at free will. Although I don’t agree with these requests, I scrolled on, they had questions and wanted answers and that is their path, not mine.
And then there was this post on the same FB group which was ultimately taken down. A mom wrote it. Maybe her son is curious about what happens at a drag show. Maybe he will make friends with drag queens at school. Lots of maybes, but more importantly why does she care if this is on campus? No one is making her go or her son go. For what it is worth, if you have never been to a drag show and you have the opportunity…go for it. They are so much fun.
We don’t practice a religion in our family. We are not anti-religion and fully support a person's right to practice a religion. Should religious organizations and clubs be removed from campus because our children are not religious? Absolutely not. I saw plenty of religious references on the campuses we toured and these were not universities that identified as religious based institutions. Did it bother me? No. If our children decide to explore it in college the option is there, if not, they just pass by, but I hope they would never want to remove its existence because it is not their path. These universities are inclusive of religion, atheist, and agnostic. So this is where I see the problem, why would these universities not be inclusive in their literature and in their welcome talks towards LGBTQA+, minorities, and women?
The even bigger question for me is why are these parents objecting to minority and women’s rights? Why do they care who people are loving? And why do they especially care when it is not their life and they will not be living on campus? What I find so perplexing is that these rights to equality should be a given, not something Largo has to think about when looking at a university.
Fear of the unknown? Control over children? Ego wrapped up in the life their kids choose to live? Worried about what their friends will say? There is a lot to process here and definitely a further conversation for another day. Why do parents NOT want inclusion on their child’s campus?
I’m a parent who believes strongly in equality. I’m a person who believes our future and comfort in retirement (and I am not talking monetary) rests on these young students and the changes they fight for. I’m a parent of a girl, minority children, and humans who could one day choose to identify in the rainbow community. I want to know that higher education institutions are working towards inclusion. As a parent I not only want this inclusion for my kids but for all kids. The world will just be a better place if we are inclusive. How do I know this? 8+ years of full-time travel have shown me this. There is not doubt in my mind that inclusion works if we extend love beyond our borders, bubbles, skin color, lover choices, and gender.
I would love to hear what your experiences have been with university tours and on campus. I am still processing all that I saw. I have hope, but also still feel such disappointment. I know change is in the air and the 20-somethings are doing so much. Keep it up young adults. We need you. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments.
Have a fabulous day.
See our paid subscribers back here on Monday for another newsletter. I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend that we disagreed on and it caused me to think deeper about the topic. I thought deeper and I still feel the same. I don’t want to try to fix racists. She felt I should learn about why they are the way they are. I told her that I already knew why and that I have never in all my conversations converted a racist to a non-racist, but if I take that time and energy to volunteer and use my voice against racism I can make more of a difference to put policies into place to help the marginalized. This conversation got me thinking. Is this how people justify having racist friends? They say they want to understand them so they don’t have to create tension in their communities or do they truly believe they can change them? How does one still respect a friend if their friend thinks someone is not of value because they have a different color skin? I welcome your thoughts on this as well in the comments.
xoxo,
Jessica
p.s thank you for being here.
Next week I have a bunch of new developments and other “stuff” to share. Can’t wait.
Where are we now?
Largo and I are back on Friendship after our USA trip and the crew (Samuel and Louise-Océane) left yesterday. They will return for a going away/birthday celebration on Friday and then they prepare to cross the Pacific ocean on our friends boat. We will miss them, but it is also to have some time just the three of us as it has been about 7 weeks of crazy to get us all the way up to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. A far cry from Panama. We will be here for a week and then we are off for Baja.
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Such a thoughtful post as ever, thank you for sharing! Have you listened to Adam Grant's podcast episode with Tara Westover? Their conversation about trying to change people's minds was really interesting!
Well done mama ❤️ love the way you take a stand for equality and for your children. Learning from you.